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s women, we want our husband's full attention. We long to be their #1, to know we are their top priority. And I can attest to the shift that occurs when a man takes over a congregation, as it has happened to me quite recently. Our pastor husbands have a deep responsibility, a deep burden, for the people that walk through the church doors (and rightfully, thankfully so!). But sometimes, figuring out where we (and even our kids) fit into all the things he has on his heart is hard.
A few weeks ago, I woke up around 1:45am and noticed Luke was still awake watching Netflix. The next morning, he had to wake up super early to head to the hospital for a couple of surgeries of church members. I know why we was still awake at 1:45...he had church on his mind. Whether it is inability to sleep because a sermon illustration pops into mind, heavy burdens laying on them that church members are facing or the stress of a complaint or confrontational conversation weighing on them - our husbands have a lot on their plates. There's other times when we sit down to dinner or get ready to go somewhere and the phone rings - something has happened and he needs to go. I know these things, because they happen in my house too. But sweet friends, these things are not the source of our frustration. These are our people, the ones God has called us (yes, I said us!) to serve and love. And when we love them as Christ loved them, it's not an inconvenience...it's our joy to serve them.
Our calling is so very high. God knows what He's called us to, He knows our church better than we ever will. And He has placed you and your husband (and kids) in that location, to love and serve those people, for such a time as this. Sometimes that happens at dinnertime or the middle of the night, or even when you are on vacation. But we must guard ourselves against the lie that serving our church in an inconvenience. The church is our life, our work doesn't stop when office hours end. And I think that's such a hard, but insanely beautiful thing. Let's see how we can combat against bitterness and find a healthy balance.
What happens when we believe the lie that the church always comes first?
1. Our husbands become frustrated too. He doesn't want to leave his dinner to get cold and he wants to be home for bedtime. But he does have a deep burden for the person who needs him (and we should too). Pastor husbands are torn in two when their family and their church needs them at the same time. Also, a frustrated wife + a frustrated husband = a frustrated marriage.
2. Our kids begin to look at the church negatively. Mom sets the tone usually. If our kids see the church as an inconvenience, then they will not love her. I want my children to love the church. Instead of looking back and saying "the church took so much from my dad and our family," I want them to say "Look at what blessings serving the church has given to my dad and our family!" I must lead this charge by example.
Don't get me wrong, friends. I'm not saying that we must always drop everything and rush to whoever in our church needs us. This can be taken advantage of, very much so. Let's talk about how we find the balance.
1. Encourage your husband to set boundaries. Discuss these boundaries together with church leaders. Remind them often of your time that is set aside for your family. Let them know that he may not answer his phone right away on a certain day (Friday is my husband's day off), but leave a message and he will get back with them. And by all means, in the case of an emergency, he will do his very best to be there. If you cannot take a whole day, take one evening a week as a Family Night. Everyone (including you and the kids) puts their phones away and you do something together.
2. Consider the abundant blessings of a pastor's work hours. I don't know about your husband, but mine is out of the office on Fridays and Saturdays. That isn't to say that zero church things happen on those days, but he isn't "at work" all day. His office hours are flexible, as well. I am free to make appointments in the late afternoon (hair, doctor, etc) and go to them kid-free because I know he can be home in time. Not punching a clock has many benefits!
3. Pray fervently for God to burden your heart with the lost and dying world around you. Ask him for opportunities to partner with Him as He works. Seek God & His will for a deep, committed love to your church and her members. Pray that you would see people as He sees people, that you would be compassionate and patient to meet their needs.
If I could pick one of the posts in this series as the hardest to click "publish" for, it would be this one. This is a hard topic to write about. Because the balance is fine and I tend to be a people-pleaser. But, the words must be said (at least that's what my heart tells me). The blunt truth is this - the priority list goes God, family, church. And sometimes as the pastor's family, God and church seem to mesh up together right at that top priority. I'm not saying it will always be easy, I'm simply saying putting in place a few healthy boundaries can give your family the freedom and rest to serve your church better.
And now, a brief word to my church - Cornerstone, I do not post this because I feel like you are a burden or an inconvenience to me or my family. I post this because I have seen the hurt and frustration that comes with not setting boundaries and not loving the church. I have seen pastor wives who live a life of resentment towards the church because she (the church) always comes before her (the wife). Luke and I have carved out space so that we can have family time. So that we can breathe, rest up and launch back into serving you wholeheartedly. But most of all, I'd like for you to know that I love serving you. I want to celebrate with you, mourn with you and stand next to you during the hard seasons. Please don't feel like you can't reach out to us in times of immense joy, immense sorrow or even just a normal day. We love you and we are FOR YOU, Cornerstone.
s women, we want our husband's full attention. We long to be their #1, to know we are their top priority. And I can attest to the shift that occurs when a man takes over a congregation, as it has happened to me quite recently. Our pastor husbands have a deep responsibility, a deep burden, for the people that walk through the church doors (and rightfully, thankfully so!). But sometimes, figuring out where we (and even our kids) fit into all the things he has on his heart is hard.
A few weeks ago, I woke up around 1:45am and noticed Luke was still awake watching Netflix. The next morning, he had to wake up super early to head to the hospital for a couple of surgeries of church members. I know why we was still awake at 1:45...he had church on his mind. Whether it is inability to sleep because a sermon illustration pops into mind, heavy burdens laying on them that church members are facing or the stress of a complaint or confrontational conversation weighing on them - our husbands have a lot on their plates. There's other times when we sit down to dinner or get ready to go somewhere and the phone rings - something has happened and he needs to go. I know these things, because they happen in my house too. But sweet friends, these things are not the source of our frustration. These are our people, the ones God has called us (yes, I said us!) to serve and love. And when we love them as Christ loved them, it's not an inconvenience...it's our joy to serve them.
Our calling is so very high. God knows what He's called us to, He knows our church better than we ever will. And He has placed you and your husband (and kids) in that location, to love and serve those people, for such a time as this. Sometimes that happens at dinnertime or the middle of the night, or even when you are on vacation. But we must guard ourselves against the lie that serving our church in an inconvenience. The church is our life, our work doesn't stop when office hours end. And I think that's such a hard, but insanely beautiful thing. Let's see how we can combat against bitterness and find a healthy balance.
What happens when we believe the lie that the church always comes first?
1. Our husbands become frustrated too. He doesn't want to leave his dinner to get cold and he wants to be home for bedtime. But he does have a deep burden for the person who needs him (and we should too). Pastor husbands are torn in two when their family and their church needs them at the same time. Also, a frustrated wife + a frustrated husband = a frustrated marriage.
2. Our kids begin to look at the church negatively. Mom sets the tone usually. If our kids see the church as an inconvenience, then they will not love her. I want my children to love the church. Instead of looking back and saying "the church took so much from my dad and our family," I want them to say "Look at what blessings serving the church has given to my dad and our family!" I must lead this charge by example.
Don't get me wrong, friends. I'm not saying that we must always drop everything and rush to whoever in our church needs us. This can be taken advantage of, very much so. Let's talk about how we find the balance.
1. Encourage your husband to set boundaries. Discuss these boundaries together with church leaders. Remind them often of your time that is set aside for your family. Let them know that he may not answer his phone right away on a certain day (Friday is my husband's day off), but leave a message and he will get back with them. And by all means, in the case of an emergency, he will do his very best to be there. If you cannot take a whole day, take one evening a week as a Family Night. Everyone (including you and the kids) puts their phones away and you do something together.
2. Consider the abundant blessings of a pastor's work hours. I don't know about your husband, but mine is out of the office on Fridays and Saturdays. That isn't to say that zero church things happen on those days, but he isn't "at work" all day. His office hours are flexible, as well. I am free to make appointments in the late afternoon (hair, doctor, etc) and go to them kid-free because I know he can be home in time. Not punching a clock has many benefits!
3. Pray fervently for God to burden your heart with the lost and dying world around you. Ask him for opportunities to partner with Him as He works. Seek God & His will for a deep, committed love to your church and her members. Pray that you would see people as He sees people, that you would be compassionate and patient to meet their needs.
If I could pick one of the posts in this series as the hardest to click "publish" for, it would be this one. This is a hard topic to write about. Because the balance is fine and I tend to be a people-pleaser. But, the words must be said (at least that's what my heart tells me). The blunt truth is this - the priority list goes God, family, church. And sometimes as the pastor's family, God and church seem to mesh up together right at that top priority. I'm not saying it will always be easy, I'm simply saying putting in place a few healthy boundaries can give your family the freedom and rest to serve your church better.
And now, a brief word to my church - Cornerstone, I do not post this because I feel like you are a burden or an inconvenience to me or my family. I post this because I have seen the hurt and frustration that comes with not setting boundaries and not loving the church. I have seen pastor wives who live a life of resentment towards the church because she (the church) always comes before her (the wife). Luke and I have carved out space so that we can have family time. So that we can breathe, rest up and launch back into serving you wholeheartedly. But most of all, I'd like for you to know that I love serving you. I want to celebrate with you, mourn with you and stand next to you during the hard seasons. Please don't feel like you can't reach out to us in times of immense joy, immense sorrow or even just a normal day. We love you and we are FOR YOU, Cornerstone.
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