Be the Change

When I first got married, I received lots of advice. As do all brides. Some of my advice was a little different than the average soon-to-be-wife. I was marrying a youth pastor. My life was doomed (or so it seemed from said advice). I was encouraged to not make friends with church members by more than one seasoned pastor’s wife. I was told I would never “have all of my husband” because he would be consumed by the ministry. And my future kids, forget about it – doomed also. Was I scared entering this marriage? You betcha. Did I think my life was doomed? Not exactly, but I definitely heeded their advice and kept walls up.

And then I did the hard things. I served alongside my husband. I had ugly people tell me bad things about my husband. I witnessed people I loved treat my husband with disrespect. And I knew those ladies were right. Put your walls up, Brianne, you can’t be friends with these people.

Time passed, seasons of our life changed, and I began to witness solid Christian families, who served in the ministry being real about the tough stuff. Sharing their past or current struggles, crying for their children who were not following the Lord, being real and open about how hard ministry can sometimes be. No one judged them, they didn’t get fired from their job in the ministry for being real – people supported them, they prayed with and for them, they encouraged them, they mentored them. Pastors being mentored by their church members? I did not even know that was a possibility.

To my generation of pastor’s wives, I think we’ve been doing this all wrong. You do not have to be the one who has it all together. And while there is a time and place to protect what happens inside your heart and inside the walls of your home, there is also a time and place to just be real. Seek the Lord and ask Him to provide the very best friends you could have. You don’t have to share your struggles before the entire congregation on a Sunday morning from the pulpit. But you need some girlfriends who understand that the toddler will not eat his vegetables and if he does not nap soon you WILL lose your ever-loving mind. You need girlfriends who understand that Sunday mornings are so hard because your man is long gone before you are ready for church and you’ve got to lug the children and all of the things into church solo - all while greeting everyone with a smile as you make your way down the halls of the church building. You need girlfriends who get that praying takes time, which you don’t have much of and so it gets pushed to the back burner. You need girlfriends who will be your craziest cheerleader, burden bearer and struggle sharer. 

I’ve found some. Women who don’t see me as "The Student Pastor's Wife" but rather as Bri…fellow friend and sister in Christ. It’s going to get messy and we will let each other down, but what a blessing it is to let your guard down. When the day is hard and my struggles are real, I can simply shoot a text or make a call, “pray for me” and I know it’s being done. When my marriage is in desperate need of a date night, I can call these friends and ask, “watch my kid” and it’s done. When I have to talk, I can show up at their door and say, “can I come in please” and it’s done. These friends can expect the same from me.

So pastor’s wife, let’s change it up. Be transparent. Show your real self. Be the voice who says, “I’m struggling” and see how it changes people. It will spread. You will rub off on others. And maybe some day, if it can start with us, our churches will be filled with real people sharing real struggles building each other up, instead of a bunch of fake faces the community wants nothing to do with.

Be the change. It starts with us.