Lies Pastor's Wives Believe: I Can't Be Friends With Church Members

O
ur first lie to expose is one that runs deep, painfully deep. When I married a youth pastor at the tender age of 22, a fellow pastor's wife told me one of the biggest lies we buy into. "Your life is over as you know it," she said, "you will never have friends again." I've learned through the years that the women who live by this lie have been so, so hurt by others in the church. They have chosen to build walls instead of fight for the relationship. I, too, have suffered deep hurts from church members I considered a friend. It's a conscious choice and decision that we have to make - to keep pressing on in the fight of building relationships and fight the urge to keep everyone at arm's length in an effort to protect ourselves.

I truly believe this lie expands so much further than just to the pastor's wife, but to women in general. Raise your hand if you've ever worn a church mask? (mine is up high) We spend Sunday morning yelling at our kids (or husband), frustrated and angry...but once we step out of that minivan in the church parking lot, we slap on our best smile and have all the things together. When you sit in women's Bible study, it's your turn to share any prayer requests and what you really want to say is that your marriage is struggling, your finances are cracking, your parenting is weak, you are tired, you are broken, you need encouragement...but since everyone else has only offered up prayer requests for their husband's uncle's cousin's neighbor's dog, you decide it best to keep your mouth shut because apparently no one has problems like you.

Ladies, this is a lie. A big fat lie. It is not biblical to sit with our church masks on, whether we are married to a pastor, married to a plumber, married to a businessman or not married at all. Galatians 6:2 tells us to "bear one another's burdens." Please tell me how someone can bear my burdens if they do not know they exist? If I am consistently hiding all my hard, broken things then no one knows I have a burden that needs help carrying. Wife of the pastor, you have burdens too. And guess what? The church is called to bear your burdens just as much as they are called to bear anyone else's burdens. There is no footnote in my Bible that says Galatians 6:2 is not meant for pastor's wives. Church, that word is for you too. Your pastor and his family need you to share in bearing their burdens. God has called us to lead, He has not called us to perfection (can I get an amen?). We are meant to be messy. We just have no choice in the matter. Read your Bibles, scan the pages and look for a leader in there who wasn't just a big ball of sin. You won't find it. Because God doesn't call the perfect to lead. He calls the humble, the obedient, the faithful, the ones who are striving towards righteousness. He has called you and He has called me. It is 100% okay for you to be a mess, as long as you recognize that mess and keep striving to be more like Jesus.

What happens when we believe this lie? Why is it so detrimental to our lives as pastor's wives?

1. We become closed off and lonely. So many pastor's wives are lonely. We are friendless with people all around us.
2. We inadvertently place ourselves on a pedestal. We sit in our church and listen to everyone else's problems, fearful to share our own. If people do not know our hurts, our brokenness, our sin...they will think that we don't hurt, we aren't broken and that somehow, we must be sinless.
3. We can't love our church as we should. If we don't truly know the people in our church - and you can't truly know them if the relationship isn't reciprocated both ways - then we cannot fully love them. 

So now we know it's a lie. We know it's not biblical. How can we shift and combat against the lie?

1. Be brave and be vulnerable. Do you attend a women's Bible study? Be brave and speak up. There is a time and a place to pray for your husband's uncle's cousin's neighbor's dog (maybe) but this isn't it. Share your heart and share your struggles. Ask the women to be authentic and real. Don't just ask, expect authenticity. In my experience, when one woman is brave enough to be truthful (especially if she a leader) then others breathe a sigh of relief and quickly follow suit. Trust the women in your circle. There may come a point when trust is broken and you have to evaluate what you can and cannot share, but do not assume someone is untrustworthy.
2. Be a friend first. This is harder than it seems. Some people don't want to be friends with the pastor's wife. That's true. And that's on them, because I think we are pretty fabulous friends. Is there a woman in the church who might have good "friend potential?" Invite her over for coffee. Share the things that draw you to her. Let her know that you'd like to hang out regularly to get to know each other better.
3. Pray for God to bring you real, authentic friendships. Ask God for wisdom to know who those women are when (not if) He brings them.

Friendship is hard. It's doubly hard when we are married to the pastor. It just really is. But be bold and be brave (speaking to myself here). Let your church know the real you and be willing to get to know the real them. When trust is broken or you are disappointed yet again, fight for the relationship. It's time for our churches to be transformed and renewed by the authenticity of true friendship. And it starts with us.